day by day...

Just want to share an old song that had brought me much strength and comfort when I faced difficult and trying moments in the past. May the Lord also meet with you through the lyrics of this hymn. Click HERE if you want to hear the song (instrumental).

Day by Day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

career and vocation..

As I reflect on these years of teaching and consider future plans when all this clears, I'm reminded of the subtle difference between "career" and "vocation".

The word "vocation" comes from the Latin root word vocare which means "to call". A vocation can lead to a particular career but the the converse isn't true.

In Henri Nouwen's book titled, "Compassion", he urges us to distinguish carefully between vocation and career. Here are some exerpts from the book.

"In a world that puts such emphasis on success, our concern for a career constantly tends to make us deaf to our vocation. When we are seduced into believing that our career is what counts, we can no longer hear the voice that calls us together; we become so preoccupied with our own plans, projects, or promotions that we push everyone away who prevents us from achieving our goals."

"As soon as we think that are careers are our vocation, we are in danger of returning to the ordinary and proper places governed by human competition and of using our talents more to separate ourselves from others than to unite ourselves with them in a common life."

"A career disconnected from a vocation divides; a career that expresses obedience to our vocation is the concrete way of making our unique talents available to the community. Therefore, it is not our careers, but our vocation, that should guide our lives."

So what is God's vocation for me...and for you?

holding on even when we do not yet see...

Some four weeks have passed since the start of all this and I'm still waiting to provide my statement to the authorities. It may seem to me as there's no progress but I'm sure it's just because I have yet to perceive what God is doing "behind the scenes". When a seed is planted below the surface of the ground, no one sees the process of germination and growth until we see the sapling emerge from the soil. Some things just take time, patience...and FAITH. It's my prayer that we also realize that God often causes us to grow within though we may not perceive it at first.

The school vacation has begun. Please pray for my students (all Sec 3s) that they will spend their time and energies meaningfully. The school swimmers are gearing up for the School Nationals in a month's time and require both good health and focus to do well. Some of the waterpolo team members are disappointed that there won't be the usual team camp. Please pray that they'll understand why the school has decided not to have one this time round and know that they can build the team through other means. Do pray especially for the teacher i/cs and the coaches that they may have the strength and wisdom to develop and lead the teams. Pray also for my parents as this long process may be more draining on them than on myself.

future plans...

If any of you have any thoughts about what I should do after my name is cleared, do drop me a comment below or send me an email. It'll help me as I consider God's plan for me in the future. It'll be good if you could also give me your rationale or reasons why you think that's what I should do. Thanks.

the time will come...

I know that I've been putting aside some of the questions that many of you want or tried to ask me. You want to know how all this will change me and my life perspectives, and also my plans after I clear my name. Well, it's quite difficult for me to say at this point in time. When I have everything behind me and I can reflect in retrospect, then I think I'll be in a stronger position to make some crucial decisions.

However, to my students and colleagues who have been saying that you're waiting for me to return once everything clears, I have this much to say. I could be quite a different person after all this, as I would have had some lessons learned through these experiences. Perhaps I need to seek the Lord afresh for His calling for me. If I were to return, how would the few of my accusers feel especially if they still hold on to their perception of me? Don't get me wrong here. I think I can handle what they might think of me but I don't think it'll be good for them to have me around in school if they still feel the same way about me. The "bad vibes" between us may adversely impact the team and the classes I teach. What I'm saying here is that it's not a sure thing that I'll be back to teach once my name is cleared. The decisions may also not be mine as others do have a say on whether I return to my teaching position.

Please pray as I continually seek the Lord's purposes in all this and His will for my life.

purpose...

As I seek after God in the midst of this trial, I find myself asking Him, "What is Your purpose for all this?". Humanly, I find it hard to conceive that there will be more good than bad that is coming out of all this. People are getting hurt and adversely affected by all this. Ultimate good for all seems impossible. But this where I guess human reasoning ends and Faith begins. You're the God of the impossible and unimaginable. Your will and your ways are higher and often beyond our full comprehension. I will have to walk this journey with eyes of faith, rather than by what I can perceive or comprehend. Even if I fall because of my weak faith, I know that you'll not let me fall so deep that I can't rise up and continue forward. I will put my hand in Yours and let You guide me through this dark valley. Your truth, like a lamp to my feet will assure me as it lights the way. Thank You Lord for being who You are! I will trust You and trust in Your purposes.

I still believe...

Just received a letter and a CD compilation of songs from a former student in Australia. Thank you for making time to choose songs that you thought may minister to me at this time. So many beautiful songs with wonderful lyrics. Allow me to share just one...it was raining as I played this song for the first time...

I Still Believe (by Jeremy Camp)

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see
I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near

the same yesterday, today and tomorrow

Is God wonderful only when things go well for us and we get whatever we desire? Is He good on some days and not so good at other times, like when He is upset or displeased? God is God, all the time! He is never changing, ever the same. I feel comforted in this knowledge that our awesome God is unlike us who are prone to change and vacillations, depending on our environment and on our state of mind. May we see more of God, and less of ourselves and our anxieties.

hope...

The wait is long and can be so frustrating. Sometimes I do feel tired and feel like giving up. "Do what you will to me and I'll just accept it." I've wrestled and struggled with God and with myself. I have found my HOPE lies in God and God alone. Accordingly to John Maxwell, he says that Hope is "Holding On, Praying Expectantly". The waiting is draining me but I want to draw new strength from Him each day. The waiting distracts me but I do want to focus my vision on Him. Thank you all for hoping and for standing in the gap for me. Despite all that is around, let's hold on and pray in anticipation.

Romans 8
v18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us.
v24-25
For we were saved in this hope but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.
v28
And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
v31
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
v37-39
Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor power, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

please pray with me...

The training for the team resumed today. My heart's burdened with how things will be in the team from now on. Please pray for the coaches and teachers-in-charge as they have to carry the heavy burden. Help them to be sensitive to the needs of students and how this episode is affecting them. Let this issue not divide and break the team. Pray for the Sec 1s and parents especially who may be adversely affected by what has happened. I hope people will not drop out because of this crisis situation.

waiting...

It's been over two weeks since all this began and yet all I can do is wait. Those of you who know me well would know that I'm one who like to forge forward and that this is really a test for me. I also like to be in control of things in my own life and to set the direction for myself. Now, even the next step for me to take is to be dictated by someone else. Please pray that God would grow my patience and help me to cede control of my life to Him. I'm reminded that I've just got to "trust and obey because there's no other way to be happy in Jesus".

Pray for the students I teach as I'm away from school and a temporary teacher has to cover my classes. I don't want my absence to affect their learning adversely. Pray for the waterpolo team, the other teachers-in-charge and the coaches as training resumes tomorrow.

the final Judge

I'm truly touched by all current and former students (and parents) who have expressed their concern and support following the media release. Heartfelt thanks to each one of you who have sent me messages of encouragement, comfort and hope. You've made the load easier to bear. I'm also grateful to those who have spoken to the media in my defense. However, I don't believe in a trial by media and public opinion but would rather want to trust in the system of law and justice.

My friends, I know that you all care for me and want to stand up for me, but don't get too upset and return evil with evil. Only goodness and love can right the wrong. Only thus will God be glorified through all this. Everyone is entitled to their perspectives based on what they hear, know or perceive at the moment. Join me in believing that the truth will prevail and not let the evil one have a hold on us.

Let us remember that God will be the final Judge of us all.

Not alone against the world..

Thanks to all who have sent me their words of affirmation and encouragement. Feelings of bitterness, loneliness and vulnerability assails me at such a time, but each word spoken and each prayer uttered by all of you, have filled my heart with love and strength. I will be strong for there are those of you who choose to stand with me.

Please pray for me and my family as we face the onslaught of public opinion from today. In the midst of the storm, pray that we'll find the quiet and safe place where we can find rest and strength for the journey ahead.


Info:
I've been informed by the principal that the BOG has placed me on leave pending investigations and that I've not been suspended from my post.

torn yet thankful...

Ive tried to put aside the "why" questions because I knew I won't have all the answers right now. It's also painful to think of the possiblilities for the seeming hatred I'm receiving from those I cared so much for. I just want to focus on clearing my name. But I'm told I need to think about some of the "whys" as this may help unravel some reasons why all this has happened. I don't want to think about the possibility of people having their hidden or malicious intentions, especially when they are people I trusted and cared for. But to clear my name, I'm told it's something I have to do...sigh...

I'm thankful and encouraged by the few who turned up to meet me because they cared. They didn't have to but wanted to see what they could do to help me and to help serve the truth. Your willingness to come forward and meet with me has given much strength when my heart was torn.

I wake up this morning to recieve an email from a former student. You must have found out what was happening from a common friend. I'm so surprised to hear from you but you wouldn't know how timely it came. Your kind words of thanks and appreciation for the little I had done for you in the past had brought sudden tears to my eyes. You understood why I would go the distance with you or any student, and didn't think ill of my intentions.

I had been avoiding the thought of how this episode would change me and impact my life. At the back of my mind are the words of well-meaning family and friends who have told me to think more about myself. "Is your giving worth the pain right now?" "You have to draw your lines clearly" "People don't always appreciate and think well of your kindness" Your simple email, ending with "your student, your friend" has made me feel less of a fool in all this. Thank you, friend.

Between hate and love...

The 1st time in my life I feel so loved and yet so hated, both at the same time. Hated perhaps by those who are accusing me and so loved by the ones who believe in my innocence and who are standing with me at my time of crisis. I feel torn between love and hate at the present moment.

I'm told by many to sue my accusers once my name is cleared. It's not just for yourself but for those who may yet be wrongly and easily accused in the future, I'm told. But that's not the kind of closure and resolution I desire. I'm still hoping that wrong percerptions can be corrected and the misunderstandings cleared. If I truly cared for my students and their families, how can I not wish for healing and reconcilation as a conclusion for this nightmare. I'm told I should pursue the case and work for reconcilation afterwards...that I should think only of myself right now.
Even until right now, I do feel that there may not be malice in at least some of my accusers, especially in the boys. The situation may just have been triggered by a parent who had a distorted perspective of things. and it probably just slowly got a life of its own. The students may not have meant me any harm. I trust them alot and felt that they trusted me too. They had expressed it in many ways in the past, both by their words and their actions.

Lord, even as I strive to clear my name, please don't allow further hurt to come upon those who have already been affected by all that has happened. The young, especially, often do not know what they are doing.

Ain't No Dream...

It almost feels like I'm in a dream that I don't belong to. It's just like I'm looking at myself from the outside...it's so unreal...If it's a dream, how I wish I can wake myself immediately. Lord, no matter what, I pray that You will never leave me nor forsake me. Though I have the support of so many true friends in the midst of vile attacks from the outside, I feel I only have You to turn to. Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief. Transform me and renew my mind again so that I may see Your good and perfect plan, even though I live in this fallen world.

The pain I cannot bear...

My own pain I can bear, but the pain that has to be borne by those who love me, that eats me at the core. Lord, please grant peace and strength to those I love and care for. Help my parents especially, to look beyond the pain and injustice, and to see Your glory and grace instead.

Pain like I never felt before...

To love and not to be loved back is disheartening. But to love and be returned with bitterness is painful beyound measure.